MY STORY

I was 7yrs old & I was one of the last kids to be able to leave school for the day as the teacher wanted a quiet word. 

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I'd been caught stealing plastic money, in fact, it was one of my friends that had told the teacher. I felt betrayed, misunderstood & ashamed. At the time our family of 10 were all living out of 2 bedrooms and watching everyone leave school to run to the 10p machines was getting me down.

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I knew I couldn't ask for spare money from my dad as he was already working a non-stop shift at the local factory to feed 10 mouths!

 

So I thought maybe plastic coins worked. For the next person who would have tried that machine, luckily I never got the chance to try.

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On that same day, I walked home alone, no one answered the doorbell so I sneaked in over the back gate. Of course, I headed straight to the fridge when I heard a really loud scream.

 

I remember the shivers running through me as I recognised the scream. My 8yr old sister was screaming & screaming with terror.

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My flight/fight response triggered I flew up those stairs, heart pounding & pulled open the bathroom door. Little did I know my life would be changed forever & this was just the starting point for nearly 3 decades of heart-wrenching chaos, spiritual awakenings & connection with a Source that broke me down to my naked core only to start rebuilding me as the person I was destined to be.

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My sister, back against the wall completely frozen now unable to talk or utter a word, her body trembling. My mum is lying naked in the bath with a belt around her neck - a suicide attempt.

 

I scream but no one comes to save us, my scream seems to bring my mum back into consciousness & she goes to grab the belt pulling tighter & tighter.

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I seem to have been invisibly pushed by a force behind me into the bath with her & my mouth bites into her hand. Her hand slips away from the belt & I lie in the bathwater with her telling her: "Mummy, I need you"...

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20 years ago...

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Whilst working as a Director for a high-profile FTSE 100 company, my life started to crumble as I worked myself into complete and utter burnout.

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I was in my early thirties “playing the game” of life in a competitive way and received promotion after promotion in high profile roles. I was earning more than 3x the average income, adored by many & had a frantic social life.

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I was compulsive, addictive, excessive, fast-paced and my life was all-around hectic!

At that time, I believed I was happy with the life I had created – after all, it certainly looked like what I “should” be doing to be successful – but I now call this “ignorant bliss”

Back then I also smoked 30 - 40 cigarettes a day and was desperately battling workaholism & an eating disorder.

I created a “mask”, my projection to the outside world that would keep me safe from the fears, insecurities, negative thoughts, and pain that I had buried so deeply...a mask of perfection, success & happiness.

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Welcome, Spirit Guides…

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At this period of my life when I was living my "ignorant bliss", I met the love of my life. I was absolutely smitten and believed he was the most beautiful man I had ever met - neither of us could believe our luck.

One day as I was lying back on my sofa, I heard my spirit guides: "Davinder, we need you to see something, it's time to start our work...close your eyes & look through your 3rd eye". As I closed my eyes I saw my boyfriend in the kitchen & smiled contently in my heart at the image. My guides asked me to continue the remote viewing so I did, leading me up the stairway to the bedroom. I stopped as I got to the bedroom entrance. My mum was lying on the bed.

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"Your mum, Davinder?", "Yes", I responded - it's my mum on our bed - what is she doing there?

"Look closely, Davinder" - in an instant I had trembling all through my body and remembered another suicide attempt & finding her lying on the bed.

 

My years from 7-17 were built around ensuring she was never able to actually kill herself until finally she was diagnosed with schizophrenia and medicated disabling much of her ability to do anything.

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My spirit guides: "Look again Davinder"...

I recognised the woman on the bed wasn't my mum, it was me!!! Why? Why was I being shown this? Then it dawned on me, this was my future. The woman on the bed was soon to be ME...!

Spirit Guides: "Davinder, it's time to follow us. It's time to change your destiny"...

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I was terrified of my pain body…

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In truth, I was afraid that if I opened the lid, people would find out I was a “fake” perhaps not “good enough” “intelligent enough” “beautiful enough” or just plain “enough”.

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But most of all I was terrified of the pain inside me, the grief, shame, anger, fear, terror & destructive rage that was suppressed deep into my cellular body causing health problems, trauma outbursts & exhaustion.

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I was terrified of losing the identity I had built up comprising of a job title, relationship title, income status, etc, and had lost MYSELF in the pursuit of external things to fulfil my internal areas of damage.

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I’d come to believe the “persona” I had created was the real me, that was of course until the cracks started to appear...

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I started having flashbacks of my mum's suicide attempts which soon followed more & more traumatic childhood memories. They wouldn't stop, they wouldn't go away...suddenly my brain was purging out all I had been running from.

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The pain within my 10yr old brother often resulted in an explosive physical attack of rage on me & then the reminder of what happened the day I was accused of wetting the bed.

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My brain couldn't handle it, I smoked 50 cigarettes in one day until my lungs were burning hot. 

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And then it happened, just after my 30th birthday - my pain had convinced me suicide was the only way out of the pain & suffering I was now experiencing.

I was starting to feel dangerous and I knew no one out there could help me at this deep level other than my guides. I was determined to find the solution to untying my 7yr old child and freeing her from her past horror story.

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I had understood immediately the abuse that followed as an adult, racial attack, car wreck etc were simply manifestations of the deeply buried unprocessed pain within me. I felt I was a walking ticking time bomb that could self destruct or be destructed at any moment.

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I lived on high alert & danger, danger, danger sirens in my brain were going off constantly.

I knew this was precisely what my soul was here for...(often appearing to me as magpies when I was younger).

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My soul had chosen to help myself & others understand this condition from love, not fear & transform it back to wholeness. I knew my soul had chosen this and this was my mission.

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Something so strong & powerful would not allow me to give up.

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"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light"

Buddah

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So I surrendered.

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I started my transformational healing journey & embarked on an adventure that changed my reality forever.

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I quit my job, and immersed myself in the work and teachings of world leaders in the mind, self development, spirituality, nutrition and healing, working day & night to bring my body, mind and soul back to harmony.

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Through stopping & doing nothing for the first time in my life I went into a huge “Detox Reaction” which lasted for several years as I continued to learn, grow and immerse myself in experiences that showed me how and why we create the situations and cycles we so frequently experience.

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I experienced every emotion that I think could possibly exist, extremes that I didn’t know were even within me, pain, sadness, anger, rage, hurt, grief, jealousy etc etc...

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"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.

If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightned.

But no price is too high to pay for the privilage of owning yourself"

Anon

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Stillness became my muse

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I could no longer run. The more I learned to master my mind, stay present & observe my ”self” the stronger and less reactive my mind became.

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I created a distance between my mind’s thinking and reaction, which gave me space to choose the thoughts I wished to energise.

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I could then eventually hold my mind in a space of complete stillness, no fidgeting, resisting, running away, defending no matter what feeling was TEMPORARILY trying to pass through me– I just stayed put and learned to step back and observe it instead.

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I was learning to dissolve the limiting beliefs & unconscious pain that were buried within my subconscious mind, cellular body & transform them into new empowering beliefs, behaviours & actions.

I was taking control again of my life, creating my own destiny & feeling empowered!

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Life began to change drastically…

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All my addictions left me naturally without me trying to do anything other than learning the art of “surrender & letting go”

The journey back home to myself was by no means an easy one. It took time, compassion, and an “un-learning” of everything I thought I knew about self-love and what it really means to be alive. But boy oh boy is it worth it.

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The journey to free yourself from the mind & dis-identify from its conditioning is a path we all must take eventually.

Beyond the mind lies the truth of who you really are and your connection to what I call “The Source”... love, potential & power that is wanting to flow through you.

 

 

 

"When you change the way you look at things. The things you look at change"

Dr. Wayne Dyer

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